I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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