Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize