my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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