Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize