I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
