just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
