im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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