The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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