Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
