I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
