the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
