i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
