Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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