I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
