Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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