Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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