I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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