Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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