6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize