Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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