Dignity is for republicans.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
