Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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