I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
