Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize