Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
