i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize