I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
