This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
