I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
