Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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