Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I understand Curling. That high.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
