Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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