READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
