how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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