I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
