I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
lol hangovers are for mortals.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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