So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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