I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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