the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
