I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My ass is underappreciated
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
