And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
