Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
