How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
