she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
