the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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