just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
