So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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