I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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