Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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