He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
