at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
