Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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