Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
