Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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