i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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