i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize