you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
